Penguin-gate, continued...

In my despair over Graham's disappearance, I emailed the kidnappers back:

What do you WANT from me? Why are you doing this to ME? I… I… I don’t know what I did to deserve this!

I’m going to have to contact my Uncle Guido if you don’t return Graham unharmed soon. Uncle Guido has a thing about kneecaps, by the way. As in he doesn’t like to see them intact! Because a kneecap killed his little brother, he has sworn lifelong revenge against kneecaps. So you’d better watch your kneecaps. Did I mention Kneecaps?

KNEECAPS!

Needless to say, this didn’t play too well with the kidnappers. I received this answer:

Sent: Thursday, June 12, 2008 4:23 PM
To: Kitten, Carnelian
Subject: Brrrrrr!

Kitten -- A message from Chilly Willy:

Momma! I'M COLD!!!!!! BRRRRRRR. Come get me outta here!!!!

After consulting with a colleague we determined that Graham must be in the freezer! I checked the freezer in the coffee kitchenette area. Nothing. I checked the freezer in the hallway. Nothing. I took the elevator down to the basement and opened the freezer in the break room. Eureka! A box! With my name on it in “ransom” font (looks like letters are cut out from different sources- very clever.)

I brought the box up to my desk to open it and this is when I knew I was dealing with a true criminal mastermind. Inside, I discovered a roll of paper towels and another note. The paper towels gave the box enough weight to trick me into thinking Graham was inside. The note (also in “ransom” font) said this:

What penguins mean to me:

Pain
Enemas
Naughty, naughty penguin
Garroting
Underwire bras
Insane laughter
Nordick tracking for hours and hours and hours

My reply:

WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY??????

Please – we’ll pay anything. Just bring us back our Graham!!!

What are your demands???

The kidnappers emailed me back:

My only demand is that you use your noodle.

This is a clue from GRAHAM:

Momma! I'M COLD!!!!!! BRRRRRRR. Come get me outta here!!!!

It's dark and cold, momma. COLD!!!!!

My reply:

I went down to the freezer. I thought Graham was in the box and I brought him upstairs to open it and was rewarded with a roll of paper towels and a note about torturing my penguin!

I looked for clues in the note and the only thing I found was an acrostic.

Name your price!

From kidnappers to me:

Listen up, Pickle Puss, even kidnappers need time to think.

Stew on it overnight (get it? "stew"? "there's a penguin in my soup"? pretty clever)

Keep the lines of communication open and wait for further instructions. Or the penguin gets it in the flipper.

Kitten to kidnappers:

Just don’t hurt my baby!

Please, he’s just an innocent little penguin!