Carnelian Kitten's Fabulous Freak Farm

Additional hilarity

2008-06-27T10:35:00.000-07:00

In case people have not read the comments on these posts, I have to copy the text of one particularly funny comment here. It's in the form of a Nigerian email scam letter, and made me laugh:

Dear sir,

In search of a competent person who would handle issues with utmost good faith and matured confidentiality, i decided to enlist into your service

My name is Johnny Banana son of former Zimbabwean President, Reverend Canaan Sodindo Banana who died on Monday 10th november 2003.My late father was president of Zimbabwe from 1980 -1987.He was succeeded by the then prime minister Robert Mugabe who because of political motives supported my late father former aides and accused him of sexual harassment with same sex (homosexuality) which carries a ten years sentence in Zimbabwe.

Oh how I remember Dad calling me in from playing--"Eduardo, Eduardo," he would call, before straightening my beret. Oh, and I remember things before then too, hazily: a very cold, icy place; dancing late into the night; the forced marches; little pills (oh my beautiful dolls) and a big bridge…and another name too, I seem to recall. Gary? Gray?.....too..hard..to...remember...........

After an eleven days trial we fled to Botswana after receiving information that Robert Mugabe and his cohorts are after our lives and properties thinking my father was supporting the opposition party and trafficking in frozen fish. My father's account in Germany, Luxemburg, Switzerland was frozen by Government of my country. It is only in this fund that my father deposited with this security company declared as personal values and fish that we depend on as our future survival

To summarise this story, my late father decided to deposit the sum of $17,200,000USD (seventeen million two hundred thousand united states dollars) and assorted fish with a private security firm in Europe with my name as the beneficiary.

Since my father is dead now, I consider it worthwhile to look for a partner who will assist us in securing the release of this deposit. For this transaction we will give out 16% for the assistance, 50% share for possible help on investing in any reliable venture, 2% to buy personal properties like a house and cars etc when we relocate to your country, and fish as desired.

If you would want to proceed under these terms, please reply for detailed information.

If you do not accept my offer, please in good fate treat with utmost confidentiality.

A quick reply with your name, telephone and fax numbers for more confidential communication will be highly appreciated.

Regards ,
Johnny Banana.

June 19, 2008 10:41 AM

I posted a reply comment:

Aha! I am intrigued by your offer. That certainly is a large amount of money. And fish.

You wouldn't happen to know a little penguin from America named Graham, would you? Is that maybe the name you were thinking of?

I cannot send you my fax and phone numbers right now, because they have been shut down for non-payment. I am in the hospital with acute phlegmitis, awaiting a phlegm transplant. Because of this expense and the cost of the recent funeral of my father's brother's great uncle's chihuahua, I have lost much money and cannot afford a phone or smoked herring.

So, you see, I could definitely use the money you are willing to share with me in utmost good faith and matured confidentiality. Before we can complete any transactions I will need to get my phone turned back on.

Please send a check made out to CASH for $500 to the Eskind Library in Nashville and I will contact you once I use these funds to get my phone turned on again.

~Kitten

June 20, 2008 8:15 AM

You will notice that in my reply, I asked the scammer to send ME money. This is reminiscent of the pastime known as "scam-baiting." This is a new "cyber-sport" wherein recipients of emails that are clearly scam attempts actually reply to the scammers; they engage them with their own fake (and often hilarious) stories and get the scammers to send money to their intended victims. If you have never read about scam-baiting, check it out here: 419Eater Scam-Baiting Site

For a sample scam-baiting venture, read this series of letters between a scammer and his intended victim: "Book Worm Scam"

One favorite trick is getting the scammer to take a photo of him/herself holding a sign with a "password" in order to prove they are who they say they are in the email. The scam-baiters then post those photos in the Trophy Room.

Scam-baiting is not something to engage in lightly, as scammers are not nice people and don't appreciate having their time and money wasted. However, the people who are savvy enough to get away with it bring joy and entertainment to the world!

Penguin thief info

2008-06-27T10:17:00.000-07:00

I forgot to put up the receipts that were found in my penguin's pockets when he went to jail. I've attached the images above. Apparently Penguin Gum is a real thing!

By doing a little reconnaissance, I have found out that the Thief O'Penguins wasn't just one person. One person masterminded the whole thing, but there were multiple people involved. They passed the penguin from person to person and each participant had a part to play.

I don't have all of the pieces in place yet, but the funniest part is that the news story about the depressed penguin came from a REAL news story about a penguin found wandering the street of Melbourne. Check it out here: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/1150068.stm

The article begins, "A baby penguin has been treated for depression in Australia after a day out in town - which included a stint in jail - proved too eventful." I cannot believe that came from a real article! Tracy actually took a great deal of the text from the actual article and then edited/added text. But really? A penguin in jail? Wow.

Yay! My Penguin is HOME!

2008-06-21T09:16:00.000-07:00

As soon as I opened the library this morning, I had to go search for the call number that Thief O'Penguins sent me.
W M1 70M5 492 001 (well, really WM170 M549 2001) turned out to be The mental health consequences of torture (Gerrity, Ellen T. ).
Inside was a note instructing me that Eduardo no longer answers to the name "Graham" and that he was "chillin" near his "dreary" old home in my cubicle. (This kidnapper seems to care so much about Graham's wellbeing and what conditions I kept him in, yet the whole torture thing was apparently good for him. Weird.) I looked in the hall freezer first but he wasn't there. Heart in my mouth, I turned to my last resort: the kitchenette fridge. Behold! A box!

The outside said "help meee...so cold... brrrr!" but I know the kidnapper was just trying to make me feel guilty because penguins don't get cold anywhere! Well, MAYbe they get kinda cold in the Antarctic, but even there they thrive, so I doubt our fridge could make Eduardo uncomfortable. But that's neither here nor there.

I opened the box and there he was! My baby! Graham- I mean Eduard0! He's home!

He even came back with a bottle of Penguin Beer and a full prescription for Prozac. I guess the good Dr. Judith Nuthouse diagnosed his depression and started treating him.

I emailed Thief O' Penguins right away:

Yay!

Graham- er, EDUARDO is HOME!

I'll never neglect my penguin again; I promise. I should not be thanking you, since you kidnapped him, but I am grateful for the fact that you brought him out of his depression with the Penguin Prozac and let him have a little adventure as a Freedom Fighter.

Eduardo is napping right now (he was rather tired after this big adventure) but I'm sure once he wakes up he'll have lots of stories to tell.

Thank you for not scarring him too deeply.
~Kitten

As for the identity of Thief O'Penguins, I'm quite certain of who it is. But I don't know whether she had any co-conspirators. I don't know whether I ought to reveal her name. Let's just say I never realized this person liked penguins so much... she'd throw Eduardo under a train to save a cat any day!

Well, now that the penguin saga has come to a close, I plan to maintain this blog as a place to write about whatever else is going on. I guess it might be kind of slow, since I have no real life. So check back next week to see if I've kept my word and have actually written any new posts.

Til then, have a great weekend!

News from the Penguin Thief!

2008-06-20T18:18:00.000-07:00

I think I'm hot on the trail of Graham! I just received this email. I'm opening the library tomorrow, so I'll check it out!:

I am only suggesting this because it might save your little darling Eduardo's life. Such as it is.

The following words and numbers may be of interest to you:

W M1 70M5 492 001

Cacklingly yours,

Thief O'Penguins

Weird Voicemail About Birds

2008-06-20T09:17:00.000-07:00

I just remembered to check my work voicemail this morning, and I had a message. I don't get voicemails very often. This was a recording of a conversation between a man and a woman; it sounded like a radio interview. The guy is apparently the author of a book about birding- the hobby where people birdwatch and keep lists of all the birds they have seen, when and where. The more rare the bird is, the cooler the birder feels about himself. So the voicemail I just received is an interview with a birder/author about how to get kids interested in birding and about his book.

Coincidence? I think not...unfortunately when I tried to get message envelope information it just told me that it came from "an outside caller." If it IS the caller, he or she was too smart to use their Vanderbilt phone extension.

The plot thickens...

No news of Graham!

2008-06-20T07:56:00.000-07:00

Well, my tactic of not negotiating with the kidnappers doesn't seem to be working, since I haven't heard anything about Graham in the last few days.

The only penguin sighting occurred at work during our monthly all-staff meeting ("Exchange Forum"). We were all sitting there during a presentation by a staff member and suddenly one of the people in charge of the meeting said "what is that?" and I looked at the lower right corner of the powerpoint slide. There was a shape there but i couldn't quite see what it was. It looked like a bug or something. Someone else said "what is that? A penguin?" and then I realized that it was a little penguin head peeking out of the screen at us! Just popping his head up to say "hi!" in the middle of the meeting! Needless to say, I was quite amused. I also had to then fill in the rest of the staff who didn't know about the penguin-napping.

So other than that little penguin I haven't had many clues lately. I'm thinking that Graham might be on his way somewhere and that's why we haven't heard from him. Or maybe the
kidnappers are waiting for the right time to send their next message. We shall see...

2008-06-18T07:55:00.000-07:00

Tuesday June 17:

Kitten to Kidnappers:

I'm sorry that my lack of reply has led you to believe that I no longer care about Graham.

(His name is GRAHAM, not "Eduardo.")

I have been forced to contact the police regarding this kidnapping. However, since the human police do not comprehend how a penguin could become a freedom fighter, they directed me to the social services department. The woman I spoke with there seemed very understanding, but after talking with me for an hour regarding Graham, his disappearance, and the subsequent news of his Penguinese Liberation Army involvement, she apparently felt that the problem was with my brain. I was held over the weekend in the Vanderbilt University Medical Center psychiatric hospital because the authorities felt I was a risk to myself and others.

They are making me attend weekly therapy sessions and have started me on antipsychotic medication in order to get my "delusions" under control.

I was at the point where I was starting to believe that they were right and that Graham must have merely gotten lost somewhere in my desk. They told me that there was no way a penguin could change his name and take up arms against the oppression of its species. But now that I am medicated, and still receiving emails from you regarding Graham, I know it surely must all be real. I will be flushing my Haldol down the toilet after I send this email.

If you have further instructions regarding the return of Graham, I am all ears. Otherwise, all I ask is that you watch over him in his struggle against sea lions and keep him safe.

~Kitten

Kidnappers to Kitten (re: psychiatric care for you and your penguin):

Hmm...

It appears both you and your penguin have required the care of a psychiatric professional in the last couple of days.

Are you sad? Depressed, like poor Eduardo? Dr. Nuthouse is conducting therapy at this very moment. Perhaps a joke will cheer you up.

A penguin takes his sputtering and stalling car to the auto shop, gets out and asks the mechanic to look at it. While the mechanic is looking at the car, the penguin goes to the local shop and buys an ice cream cone. Being a penguin and lacking opposable thumbs, he gets ice cream all over his face. He goes back to the mechanic and the mechanic looks at him and said "it looks like you blew a seal" and the penguin says "nope, it's just ice cream".

If you truly want your penguin back, I believe you must show your dedication to him in some way.

News Clipping:

Penguin Under Suicide Watch
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
By G. CHAMBERS WILLIAMS III • Staff Writer • June 18, 2008
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A penguin treated for depression after being found roaming the city is now under a suicide watch at a local psychiatric facility.

During the night, the penguin, who calls himself Eduardo, was found by nurses attempting to break out of his secure room.

"It was mumbling something about finding a seal and ending it all, because nobody loves penguins anymore, only those cute pandas," nurse Mildred Ratched said.

"You know, he's right. I got tired hearing about how wonderful penguins way before that stupid penguin surfing movie. Bet it's related to that Batman bad guy. I'd rather treat some other animal. Pandas are cuter. So are armadillos.

"Should have just strangled itself with that nasty United Federated Forces of the Penguinese Liberation Army t-shirt," she said.

Dr. Judith Nuthouse, the penguin's current therapist, clams the separation from its home is stressful and thoughts of suicide are not unexpected.

"If only someone would come forward who knows this poor creature. It feels abandoned and unloved," she said.

"Who wouldn't feel like ending it all if no one demonstrated care and concern for one of God's creatures?

"We all deserve to be loved. That's why I tried internet dating," she said.

Officials are making arrangements to ship the penguin to another facility, possibly a zoo or circus, as its current location is unsuited for long-term penguin care.

So, the mystery continues...where is Graham? Is he really going by the name "Eduardo?" Did I really neglect him badly enough to make him want to leave me? Or is that a ploy by the kidnappers to make me feel guilty enough to pay their next exorbitant ransom demand? Where will his travels with the Penguinese Liberation Army take him? Will I have to hire a deprogrammer to fix the brainwashing the kidnappers have inflicted on him? And why does Word want me to type "Sanguineous" instead of "Penguinese?"

Stay tuned...

2008-06-18T07:54:00.000-07:00

Monday June 16:

Received the following message:

Greetings to you and freedom loving penguins everywhere.

I have chosen join the United Federated Forces of the Penguinese Liberation Army and fight for my freedom and the freedom of all oppressed penguins. I have been given the name Eduardo. It is in the spirit of Eduardo that I say, 'Liberdad o Muerte, Venceremos.'

As for being brainwashed, the idea is ridiculous to the point of being beyond belief. I am a soldier in the Penguins' Army.

Death to the fascist sea lion that preys upon the life of the penguin!

(With attached logo of the PLA. If you’re unfamiliar with the cultural reference, google Patty Hearst and the SLA. The “PLA” logo is the same, with a penguin holding a gun and wearing a beret in the foreground.)

Also received an e-card saying:

Card message: Haven’t heard back so I assume you’re busy, flaky, or dead.

Inside message:

Don't you care about what happens to your so-called beloved penguin? I would have thought you would have responded by now.

Joining the United Federated Forces of the Penguinese Liberation Army and changing his name to Eduardo is an obvious cry for help.

One, apparently, you are loathe to answer - along with any other communique from me.

I find your lack of concern disturbing.

Perhaps it is time to take this to the next level....

(View card: http://www.someecards.com/viewcard/a04892689ff3301e98cf6aa20b7668cf

- not sure how long the link will be active, but it’s quite entertaining. That e-card site is hilarious, btw; check it out at: www.someecards.com)

And they sent me the following text from a newspaper article:

A penguin has been treated for depression after several days out in town - which included a stint in jail - proved too eventful.

The penguin was found wandering dazed and confused near a McDonald's restaurant, officials said on Monday. It was wearing a United Federated Forces of the Penguinese Liberation Army t-shirt and with a "Hello, my name is Eduardo" sticker attached.

After being alerted by a local resident walking his dog, police picked up the animal and kept it in a cell overnight.

The penguin was given a box and a bowl of water in the cell.

Later it was seen by a vet and admitted to an animal clinic, where it was evaluated by an animal psychologist.

Dr. Judith Nuthouse, renowned animal psychic and grower of championship cucumbers, said the penguin was extremely distressed after its big adventure and the accompanying media attention.

"Stress alone can make them very ill and kill them. They are not geared up for this and get very depressed," she said.

"I worry about its background. Who knows what kind of horrible home environment this penguin was in to make him leave its habitat. Running away is an obvious cry for help.

"He's clearly depressed. Penguins are not bipolar. Hopefully Eduardo, if that is its real name, will take a turn for the better after a few doses of Prozac and some therapy," she said.

It is unclear if the penguin is actually a member of the United Federated Forces of the Penguinese Liberation Army, which has claimed responsibility for several area fishmonger and pet store robberies.

2008-06-18T07:52:00.000-07:00

The next day:

Kidnappers to Kitten:

Well, well, well. What a difference a day makes.

Your little Grahamy-poo asked not be returned before the weekend. Something about a recent move giving him a taste for adventure. And that dull, dark cube farm being no kind of home for a penguin.

Don't worry, your precious is safe. For now. He's just having more fun than he's used to.

There was a photo attached, but it came through in a very small format…it looked like Graham was holding something in his wing.

Kitten to Kidnappers:

I will never believe that Graham wanted to leave me. You can try to trick me, and try to brainwash him, but it will never work. I know he loves me. Perhaps he was getting bored here, and maybe I was not always the most attentive of mothers, but I can’t believe he wants to leave me and go on some so-called “adventure.”

My only request at this point is to know that he is safe. I can’t see my precious Graham’s face in the photo you sent, because I can only get a thumbnail. It looks like there might be something in the photo with him. Is it a message for me? If so I cannot read it. I don’t want you to harm him because I missed some instructions from you! Please, please send a bigger photo so I can see him and make sure he is okay.

I can only pray that you are a good human being and will not wound him.

Kidnappers to Kitten:

I'm afraid you're not in a position to make demands.

Because I'm feeling generous, I'll tell you about that photo. The little flippery freak was downing a bottle of penguin beer with his tie wrapped around his head.

Kitten to Kidnappers:

So he’s off the wagon. I should have guessed as much. If he’s drinking again he is not capable of using good judgment. There is no telling where this will lead now.

Penguin-gate, continued...

2008-06-18T07:28:00.001-07:00

In my despair over Graham's disappearance, I emailed the kidnappers back:

What do you WANT from me? Why are you doing this to ME? I… I… I don’t know what I did to deserve this!

I’m going to have to contact my Uncle Guido if you don’t return Graham unharmed soon. Uncle Guido has a thing about kneecaps, by the way. As in he doesn’t like to see them intact! Because a kneecap killed his little brother, he has sworn lifelong revenge against kneecaps. So you’d better watch your kneecaps. Did I mention Kneecaps?

KNEECAPS!

Needless to say, this didn’t play too well with the kidnappers. I received this answer:

Sent: Thursday, June 12, 2008 4:23 PM
To: Kitten, Carnelian
Subject: Brrrrrr!

Kitten -- A message from Chilly Willy:

Momma! I'M COLD!!!!!! BRRRRRRR. Come get me outta here!!!!

After consulting with a colleague we determined that Graham must be in the freezer! I checked the freezer in the coffee kitchenette area. Nothing. I checked the freezer in the hallway. Nothing. I took the elevator down to the basement and opened the freezer in the break room. Eureka! A box! With my name on it in “ransom” font (looks like letters are cut out from different sources- very clever.)

I brought the box up to my desk to open it and this is when I knew I was dealing with a true criminal mastermind. Inside, I discovered a roll of paper towels and another note. The paper towels gave the box enough weight to trick me into thinking Graham was inside. The note (also in “ransom” font) said this:

What penguins mean to me:

Pain
Enemas
Naughty, naughty penguin
Garroting
Underwire bras
Insane laughter
Nordick tracking for hours and hours and hours

My reply:

WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY??????

Please – we’ll pay anything. Just bring us back our Graham!!!

What are your demands???

The kidnappers emailed me back:

My only demand is that you use your noodle.

This is a clue from GRAHAM:

Momma! I'M COLD!!!!!! BRRRRRRR. Come get me outta here!!!!

It's dark and cold, momma. COLD!!!!!

My reply:

I went down to the freezer. I thought Graham was in the box and I brought him upstairs to open it and was rewarded with a roll of paper towels and a note about torturing my penguin!

I looked for clues in the note and the only thing I found was an acrostic.

Name your price!

From kidnappers to me:

Listen up, Pickle Puss, even kidnappers need time to think.

Stew on it overnight (get it? "stew"? "there's a penguin in my soup"? pretty clever)

Keep the lines of communication open and wait for further instructions. Or the penguin gets it in the flipper.

Kitten to kidnappers:

Just don’t hurt my baby!

Please, he’s just an innocent little penguin!

Penguin Kidnapping

2008-06-18T07:19:00.001-07:00

Last week my penguin Graham was kidnapped off my desk at work. His name is Graham because he came from the 50th annual Grammy Awards. My work friend Polly went to the Grammy's this year and she brought me the penguin as a 'thank you' for cat-sitting.

So last week I actually received a ransom note in a bottle (like a pirate's message in a bottle!) left on my computer keyboard, instructing me on how to get my penguin back. The ransom? My rainbow colored plastic slinky.

It was a tedious week here at work, due to a project several of us were working on, so I sent out an email to the people I thought might be entertained by something like a penguin-napping. It was the first time I referred to the penguin by name at work.

Well, I was a day late and a dollar short. I left the slinky in the designated spot (next to the microwave in the second floor break area) but the kidnappers were not satisfied.

I received the following email from TheresAPenguinInMySoup@gmail.com:

Kitten, Kitten, Kitten-- Surely you jest. That ransom note has already expired; that was good yesterday, Girlie. Shoulda paid up earlier. I don't want your slinky. At least not anymore.

P.S. Graham misses you. Have you ever seen penguin tears? Not a pretty sight.

The fact that the kidnapper(s) referred to him by name means the guilty party must be someone who received the email I sent out! Or perhaps they are friendly with someone on that email and the friend told the kidnappers about it. That was the first installment of Penguin-gate.

Rather than email people to tell them what's up with the penguin I thought I'd make a blog to post the details. I've been meaning to start a blog anyway, and this was a perfect excuse. More details to come.

~Carnelian Kitten